At the crossroads of life

Those pivotal moments that become the anchors and stepping stones to hope and happiness.

The other night I was standing in the kitchen, sharing with Alex all my different ideas for this week’s letter. I usually have a general idea what I want to write about but I also leave it up to the Holy Ghost to direct the unfolding of our topics here.

Since I’m spending the week talking about faith over on the gram, I wanted to touch on an aspect of faith in our lives. At first I wanted to highlight our journey to Traditional Catholicism, since it was both a foothold and a jumping off point for the explosion of everything God in our lives. And then I wanted to talk about how we maintain the faith in our family, with 7 kids and lots of life. And, while both of those are great topics, both Alex and I turned to each other and said I should talk about a glaring elephant in the room - one that lives with us daily and probably you, too.

How does one keep faith, hope, and JOY in the midst of the trials of life? How does one find that peace when the storms are swirling?

So, this is what we’ll chat about today. Grab a cup of coffee (I’m currently sipping a vanilla latte thanks to the Mother’s Day espresso machine I was given last year…) and let’s cozy up to talk about the nitty gritty of living hope and joy when life throws us anything but.

What the crossroads look like.

When I share things here it usually stems from a place of personal experience and what I’ve learned/embraced from others. And when I say others, I usually mean the Saints. Because if I’m going to walk the narrow way, I want to walk in the actual footsteps of those who’ve gone before and made it to the finish. If I’m chasing sainthood, I’ll run behind someone who has the crown already. And then, when combined with personal experience, the teachings of the church take life. When the spiritual meets the practical, struggle and holiness and everything in between take shape to form a picture. And sanctification occurs, too. What a gift…that becoming a saint happens in the real day-to-day, not in some elusive “God’s Will” out there. For His Will is what happens every day and in how we unite ourselves to it. He lives in the sacrament of the present moment and I’ll stop there because I could go on and on…

But there is one event/occurrence/instance in our lives, actually it happens over and over, that defines who we are, what our faith actually is. I call it “the crossroads.” What takes place in these crossroads then determines the trajectory of the next stage of our life and so on. And those choices in the crossroads form what our life becomes, leading to one of two places: hope and joy and eternal life or despair and anger and ultimate loss of our Greatest Good.

Let me explain.

I’ll start with a story. I like stories, they breathe life into all this theological stuff. The Saints were real people. So are you and I.

I was sitting on the kitchen floor about a year after Mike died. Everything was just. so. hard. And exhausting. And getting worse. I was crying. I wanted to give up. Like really give up. Throw in the towel, no longer want to be a Christian give up. (I call this point a “crossroad.” It is a defining moment where, even unbeknownst to us, we have to make a choice. It is a choice to keep pushing forward in faith or shrink back in despair.) Through my tears I remembered something I’d read during one of my prayer times: that God values one act of praise in despair more than a thousand in times of joy. That if this praise is solely an act of the will, not spurring from emotions, especially when everything is working against it, then this act will render God’s graces more than any other type of offering (short of the Holy Mass).

So, here I was. Two choices before me. 1) Give in to everything I was feeling and had been feeling for quite some time. No hope in sight. No love for God. Nothing. Empty. Broken. Angry. In pieces. You name it.

Or 2) make that act of praise only with my will.

I chose the second.

And first I’ll tell you why and then I’ll tell you what happened next.

The fruits that came…

I chose the act of praise for a few reasons. First off, I was curious. I wanted to see if what I read was true. That if I really did offer this act of praise, would it bring about anything? Secondly, I couldn’t give up now. Over the years prior, I had been through numerous crossroads moments already. Times I wanted to give up but chose to push forward. Those times were smaller in nature but difficult then, nevertheless. If I chose this time to step away from God (whether completely or by simply becoming lukewarm) it would’ve been a waste of all those other times I didn’t. (Plus, I’m stubborn and I don’t think I could give up if I tried!)

But even despite the curiosity and stubbornness, there was an ember burning ever so slightly deep in the recesses, where God lives. The God I was angry at and couldn’t feel, the same God who was silent and chose to remove all consolation. Nevertheless, the smoldering ashes of faith and hope produced enough fuel to make that act of the will. I’d like to think I did it on my own, but I guess we never really can do anything on our own…especially when it comes to God.

And so, with my forehead pressed to the kitchen floor, with tears streaming and anger swirling, I said the words, “I praise you in this trial.”

I kissed my proverbial cross and praised with my heart and then picked myself up, dried the tears, and went about the rest of my day.

What happened next? you may wonder. Not much, on the outside at least.

But slowly and then ever so quickly the ember was reignited and the consolations returned and the knowing of “well done, good and faithful servant” rang in my soul. And there was a gift I never expected: the trials and sufferings started to taste sweet, even if God felt absent. Not in some weird masochistic way, but rather in an ironic, “I’ve found another secret” sort of way. And it made the verse “my yoke is easy and my burdens are light” come to life, because it really did feel that way.

What also came next were abundant blessings. Even material ones. Alex came along and new life was reborn. Things would fall into place, graces for our souls showered upon us, too. After all the crossroads, this was one different and this one made it all stick. In it for life, I tell you.

How the smaller choices affect the bigger ones, and what happens if we fail?

Let me speak a second on a couple things. First of all, on the crossroads that came before and how they influence the ones to come. Secondly, on what to do if you find yourself at a crossroads and perhaps didn’t respond the same way. (I’ve been there, too) What to do then??

When you hit a point in life and have to make a choice, it’s usually that choice that influences the next set of choices, like I mentioned above. This is in business, life, with kids, and in faith, among other things.

With faith matters, it’s really important to have a formed conscience, to have a guide (namely the Church) bigger than yourself to help you along the way. Without it, we are left to our own or to reinvent the wheel. Then we have no clue if we’re on the right path. It can feel right but then again the road to perdition also feels right. This is why I read the saints and the early Church Fathers, alongside my Bible and daily meditations. And I don’t reinvent the wheel, I just do what they do and say what they say because I want what they have: Jesus in His fullest.

So, when I hit breaking points in health, marriage, with kids, with other matters, I would look to what they did and said and it helped me choose the right path, namely to stick with God and His Church. I could’ve easily gone the other way (and sometimes I tried!). I did veer off here and there when I took the reins for my own, searching perhaps for an easier way, but that always brought me to a dead end. For that maze of pride doesn’t go anywhere good.

As a result, when I hit the bigger trials (like brain cancer and death of a spouse) I was already invested quite heavily. I had chosen God through the smaller trials, the perhaps easier crossroads comparatively, when I simply wanted the world and its comforts instead. (Well, I guess I did choose the comforts alongside choosing Him and that left me emptier than if I had been hot or cold, but that’s a different story for a different day…) There was no way I could give up now, I had too much skin in the game. And that’s how I feel when I hit those breaking points now and that’s hopefully how I’ll feel in the future, when they continue to come.

But what if you find yourself on the other side of the coin? I often did as well. Like a child throwing a tantrum to their Father, I would do the same. “Fine! I’m NOT going to pray anymore! I am DONE with this whole Christian thing!” I would say. And I meant it. And I would literally cut myself off from God for a couple days…but that’s all I could manage. Because deep down I knew He was there and I knew He had a plan and if I gave up I’d never find out what that was. If I really gave up maybe I’d feel better for a bit but I’d ultimately lose everything I ever wanted. So I ran sheepishly back to my Father like the prodigal son and He’d welcome me with open arms and we’d move forward like it never even happened.

And this is what you can do, too. You can run back. Anytime. Any place. While you’re reading this, run back. And make this moment a crossroads…and choose HIM.

Why?! Because when you do, when you offer that act of praise with only the will, He will be so pleased. He‘ll be so excited to finally be able to bring you to the next level, up the staircase in the mansion where He lives (thank you St. Teresa of Avila for that image!). And then this pattern of life will become familiar and comforting: trials and desolations, choosing Him through it, consolations and joy as a result. On His timeline, perhaps, but it will happen, guaranteed.

And, as a result…???

As another result you will have immense peace. It won’t matter if the world is crumbling, you will have peace. It won’t matter if you’re in pain, you will have joy. And, oh the HOPE! The hope will never leave you, for you will possess it with your will.

This isn’t some sneaky way to keep you attached to God and His Church. It’s just the way it is, for His ways are not ours. I didn’t make it up. I learned it from St. Ignatius Discernment of Spirits and St. John of the Cross way of the nothing and by reading about the purgative, unitive, and illuminative way. The way we must all pass through whether in this life or the next in order to see God with pure hearts.

So, with that I’ll stop for the day. I hope this letter blesses you with encouragement to stick it out. Or to pick yourself up and get back on track. Don’t ever give up. Don’t ever lose hope. Even if He seems gone, He’s not I promise. Run to confession, run to prayer, run to Mass. Run to Him with your will and your act of praise and watch the graces fall like summer rain.

Love, Kristine