Dear Parents, hang in there…it’s worth it!

From becoming the parent you long to be to witnessing the fruit in your children’s lives, let me remind you: all the hard work is worth it.

On October 6, 2022, I had four children.

On October 7, 2022, I had seven.

Overnight, I became a mom to three more children—ages 14, 14, 13, 12, 10, 10, and 8.

Seven kids, each of whom had lost a mom or a dad.

Seven kids who trusted us enough to step into the unknown of becoming one family.

When I look back at 2022 I thought I knew a lot about parenting. I had walked my own children through the catastrophic illness and death of their dad, which happened when they were young and impressionable. And I did that while homeschooling, tending to my own grief, and assuming the roles of mom and dad in their lives and in our household.

But then Alex and I got married and I was thrown into a world of parenting that made everything I had done before look like child’s play.

Like parenting children while being newlyweds…

When Alex and I were dating, our children remained the central focus of our discernment. I won’t go into detail right now what that meant, but we knew our new life together wasn’t just about the two of us.

I also knew that combining families - especially where grief was involved - was not for the faint of heart. (Which I also won’t go into detail about yet, but I do have strong opinions about…)

That being said, we walked into our marriage with two main focuses: tending to our new union with intentionality and tending to our children with intentionality.

Even knowing it would be hard, I had no idea what God had in store for me as a parent.

It was harder than anything I’ve ever done in my whole life.

Motherhood became motherhood times a thousand…

I remember the first time it hit me, that I was to become a mom of 7. I was on the phone with Alex and we were talking of marriage and what it would look like after each of us losing a spouse. While chatting, I glanced up at a picture of my 4 kids and I and realized it would never be “just the 5 of us” again.

And I freaked out.

I called my best friend (Marta) and she (an adoptive mom herself) gently reminded me that Mike and I were supposed to adopt a baby. And even though that adoption fell through because of Mike’s illness, she said I was in fact still called to adoption - this time with 3 older children. (She also reminded me I always said I wanted 7 kids…)

And the grace to take them in as my own was given, in an instant. I told myself, “none of my children are my own, let alone these brand new 3. They all belong to God.” And from that moment on, the graces kept coming.

That’s not to say it was easy, though.

Because I also remember the first time I found my heart in my throat and my motherhood (as I knew it) on the line.

It was a few months into our marriage and a couple of the kids were sick.

Alex started to make them tea. They asked him to make them tea. He started to make that tea…with honey and lemon and steaming hot water.

And I stood in the family room with that heart in my throat.

I was the mom.

I was supposed to be the one making the tea.

Except…

I wasn’t.

As you can probably tell, this event, this moment in time, had nothing to do with tea. But it did have something to do with the new season of motherhood I’d walk into.

Because as I watched him make and pour the tea, children standing all around him, God whispered audibly into my heart,

Humility.

Humbled indeed would I become. Lowered under my idea of how I parented thus far, asked to parent in brand new ways unbeknownst to me until that point.

Fast forward through time, and as a mom I was stretched. As a stepmom I was humbled. Broken apart. Challenged to think, pray, react, discipline, and love in ways I hadn’t done before. Sure, I was already a good mom. It was something I had always prided myself on. It was my vocation, and I loved it.

But I also needed to be tried like gold, my motherhood refined into something I never thought it would be.

And through that refinement, God made me into a mother I never imagined I could become. A parent I am beyond words grateful that I now am.

Why I share these stories with you…

I share these stories because I want you to know this:

I get it.

I can look another mom or dad in the eye and honestly say,

I’ve been there.

I know what you’re going through. I know what you’re walking with and for your kids.

Sleepless nights. Babies. Toddlers. Hormones. Friends. Schooling. iPhones. More sleepless nights. Driving. Dating. Sports. Grief. Loss. Major transitions. Major health issues. Catechizing them. Teaching them. Loving them. This crazy world. Sin. Siblings. Personality traits. Rebellion. College choices. Vocational discernment. And just plain life.

These are just a few of the things we take on when we accept children from God, just a few of the things you and I have been through as parents, with our kids.

AND (yes) IT IS SO HARD.

But let me also tell you this…as a mama who’s about to send two kids to college, as a mama who’s kids are (despite and because of the challenges in their lives) happy, well-adjusted, deeply loving one another, faithful to God and His church, and yet still are normal kids who are not perfect…let me tell you that

IT IS SO WORTH IT.

Mamas and papas: IT ALL COMES TOGETHER.

Your work, your intentionality, your prayers, your worries and hopes and dreams for them, it all comes together. Little by little, you begin to notice the fruit.

At first, it’s almost easy to miss.

Then one day you look around and realize God has been working all along.

The beauty is everywhere.

In their character.

In their choices.

In the way they love.

In the way they return to Him.

And you realize that none of the effort you put forth was in vain.

You realize that every conversation with them at the foot of the bed, the tears at 12am, the constant and unceasing education of life and faith, the constant worry about what will happen and who they’ll become, the late nights and early mornings, the battles over screens, the unknowns and everything in between were all the little stepping stones to get there:

To the place, as a parent, where you exhale in unspeakable joy and gratitude.

Well, maybe not fully because being mom or dad never ceases (thank you God), but because you are gifted with the treasures you have tirelessly stored up over the years.

The treasures of your children.

You got this.

When I started praying about the topic of this week’s letter I had all this advice come to mind that I wanted to share from parent to parent. Not because I think I’m better at raising children but actually I think it’s because I’m spending so much of my time lately reflecting on my own parenthood, as I embark upon the transition of sending two kids off to college.

But as the thoughts swirled for this letter, I moved away from advice and towards what I really want to say…

You got this.

You don’t need my advice. You just need a fellow parent in the trenches cheering you on. Sure, I can share what helps with phones and virtue, how family dinners and Mass are the cornerstone of family life…but maybe at some other point. For now…

You got this.

Just don’t give up. Keep putting in the work to be a good mom or dad. Not a perfect one, a good one. Keep praying for them, fasting for them, keep educating them, keep educating yourself, keep loving, keep disciplining, keep reading to them and hugging them and be patient if you don’t feel like anything’s working.

Because it is working. And God chose you to be their mom or dad, to raise HIS kids. The little (and not so little) souls He entrusted to your care, whom you’ll someday return to Him.

And one day, in both small ways and big ones, you’ll begin to see the harvest of all those quiet, faithful years in the beautiful lives of your children.

And one day, in both little moments and life-changing ones, you’ll discover what every faithful parent eventually does: every prayer, every sacrifice, every ordinary act of love was worth it.

Love, Kristine