Honoring August - the month where everything changed.

After time away, cancer surprises, refinement, and just plain life, I walked into and out of this month (and the one after) a brand-new person. Here's what happened...

I wasn’t planning on stepping away.

But I should’ve known that August, in all her radiant end of summer beauty, would hold parts of me that must be held. That, in this month, her happenings and memories and reminders of this life are both sacred and transformative. Brutally refining, beautifully drawing in and forth as ashes scatter to form the foundation of new life.

Every August.

I walk into the month someone and walk out of it someone else. I enter with dreams of rest and peace and Jesus reminds, “I lead you by still waters,” and also, “I come not to bring peace but a sword,” and the sword cuts through what I know and who I am, and I end up humbling myself under its weight in order to be crowned by its blade as a new knightess in this battle of life. Him restoring my soul by the refiner’s fire.

Every August.

Maybe I should write a book just about the “Augusts.”

But like all the other volumes swirling in my head, all having to do with real life meeting the narrow way and what it all looks like, those will have to wait until laundry is done. Instead, how about I catch you up to speed on just this past August (and now, all of September, with life spilling over into days upon days).

Those days that came in like a lamb and out like a lion – days that changed me just like they do…

Every August.

Thank you.

First off, thank you for allowing me this time. My guilt in not writing piled up. The initial hiatus (which was only supposed to be a week) stemmed from a detachment to the vanity social media always brings, time away on our last family vacation for the summer, and a desire to live a bit more hidden and wondering what that means as someone who writes about intimate things.

And then other things popped up: like reactions to new cancer meds, a bustling of back-to-school life as we settled back at home and in full swing into sports and 4 different schools, the 4^th anniversary of Michael’s passing (August 20^th), more cancer results that left me stopped in my tracks and venturing a sort-of-new path with treatment, and that pesky (but necessary) refinement that God likes to do on me this time of year – in myself, my marriage, motherhood, my heart/mind/body/soul. Good times.

Before that…a gift for you.

Before I fill you in, I would like to share how this page will move forward. I’m back to writing now and my time away has given me incredible clarity in how this page should be, what I should write about, and how this page can help save souls, save marriages and families, and help us not only remain but also find happiness on the narrow way in this crazy world. Whew.

I have a book study coming up, plans for a mini-book (before the real one maybe someday), things Alex and I want to do together on here, and more.

Plus, I am going to lower the monthly subscription rate because I know times are hard and I value you so much being here and offering me the retreat into what God needed to do in my life these past 6 weeks. Propelled forward, I am new wine in a new wineskin, the old leaven tossed out, more rising from the ashes. And I have learned things that I want to keep sharing…things that I know will change your life, too.

A brief recap

I am planning on diving into some of these topics more in depth soon, but I’d like to offer a brief recap into the happenings of my time away…

Time away and cancer meds…

In early August, we ventured to our home away from home, a place we refit last year to make a retreat for our family and especially the kids (not to mention a place that almost burned down from forest fires a week ago eek…). They rode bikes all day, set out on their own, we floated the river, went on long walks with the dogs, swam, watched movies, had some great date nights, and did so much family. It was a peaceful, fun time away before school.

During our trip, I did unfortunately have an intense reaction (more like experience?) to a new cancer medicine I’m taking. (I haven’t shared much of my breast cancer here, but I will soon. I was diagnosed back in August 2023, stage 1. And as of now, I’m treating it 100% holistically.)

I could feel it working right away. Literally. Like I could sense cells dying. But because the body also holds emotions and trauma (which can lead to things like cancer) those emotions and trauma also wanted to come out. And oh, they did. A purging of anger, fear, death, abandonment, and more all welled up and physically and emotionally came out. Nausea, shaking, tears I couldn’t stop. Repressed memories and emotions. All spilling over.

This isn’t the first time I’ve gone through something like this but the collision of the physical/emotional/spiritual storms that land are enough to knock you off your feet and into a dark place if you’re not careful. And to remain out of the pit takes much prayer, support, seeking help, and more. I’ll probably share about that sometime because I’m sure many of you can relate.

I made it through that OK, and we ended up back at home and into life full swing with the kids…

4 different schools and never enough football…

The day we came back home we hit the ground running. After discerning schooling all summer, we settled on 4 different schools that fit our 7 kids’ individual needs. We have two high school girls (10^th and 11^th grade) and one 5^th grade daughter still Classically homeschooling (for now); we have an 11^th grade son attending public high school to continue his college sports prospects, a 9^th grade son attending the Catholic high school my late husband went to (and played/coached football at), and two 7^th grade boys going to a local Christian middle school. We prayed, thought about each kid and what they needed academically/spiritually/socially, and for now this fits!

God opened doors to make some of it happen last minute…one door being my heart to accept not homeschooling through high school. But what I know for sure is that the plans we make rarely ever come to fruition and the movements of the Spirit will lead in ways never unexpected. And the kids are on their right paths (with bumps along the way of course) and they are taking on the world in ways that show the faith really can be preserved in the new dark ages. Their firm foundations being used and tested “out there” and they come back home for refreshment and I want to eventually share with you how we do it, namely how we trudge through the immense difficulty of parenting (7 kids) in a world that wants to swallow them – all of them young adults who are, as of now, in the world but not of it.

All the boys are also playing sports. (Basically 7 days a week...) Our oldest, like I mentioned, is slated to play college basketball (hopefully) and the other three started football (one high school and the other two on a 7^th grade team at the same high school). All 3 football players playing on the field Mike played on and coached at for 7 years. With the same coaches. Our freshman said there was a picture of his dad in the locker room.

You can only imagine all my emotions during those initial practices – especially as we led up to the 4^th anniversary of Mike’s passing. Reminders, memories, grief, dashed hopes and new beginnings.

On death anniversaries.

August 20^th brought the 4^th anniversary of Mike’s passing, which we marked with a memorial Requiem Mass and champagne at the grave. I should’ve known my body would shut down in August…it always does. This year was no different. That holy time on hospice will forever be engraved in my cells, our life and home becoming a hermitage for his life to transition from this world to the next. It was the most sacred thing I ever helped create, was a part of, and witnessed.

The thing about these death anniversaries is that I’m married again. And I can’t begin to explain how it is to mourn one husband while in love with another. It is a part of my life that is so close to God, so entrenched in who He is to me that I don’t often share about it publicly. It is an experience that words often can’t do justice to, something that Alex and I share mutual feelings towards and talk about just between the two of us. There are also things that will remain solely between me and God, the ultimate of Husbands and Lovers. The One my heart is truly searching for, The One who is using all the experiences of my life to detach me from everything and focus it solely on Him.

After the 20^th

Once his anniversary passed, I was left with brand new struggles, temptations, thoughts – basically an interior purification - that rendered me not myself. Simultaneously, I walked into a few weeks with Alex that tried our marriage in new ways. Struggles, temptations, and thoughts that attempted to rock who we were up until that point. Alongside that we both walked into the busiest season of kids/school/sports/cancer/work we’ve been in thus far (which is saying a lot). Exhaustion overshadows even the most beautiful of things…

In our just about 2 years of marriage, we’ve already been through more than most married couples go through in a lifetime. Trials and challenges, circumstances and happenings that go above and beyond what most newlyweds (not to mention regular old married couples deal with). But through it all we have kept a very close hand on our marriage. This is something I would love to write about more – basically how to have a properly ordered, faithful, passionate, fun, happy and holy marriage where both spouses are getting their needs met as men and women need them met. (Taking universal principles built into our natures as men and women and applying them to the nitty-gritty day-to-day.) From the beginning we promised to do things differently than any mistakes we may have made before. And we did.  And we are. Very specifically, practically, and intentionally.

But despite that, we have wounds…areas the evil one knows how to manipulate. And marriage is the battleground. And we felt it deeply in a new way. And yet, through the daily choices, through failing and literally (but probably pretend) talking of wanting to can the whole thing, we found our way again – all the while continuing to find our way when we fail. And we are rising from the ashes that result from the bombs of the Enemy, and we are continuing to build a Kingdom in our home where our marriage is a reflection of everything true, good, and beautiful. A marriage that contains the heights of heaven and the beautiful things this world can offer, too. And I want to show you how we’re doing it, because I can attest that you can be so happy in your marriage no matter what is happening in your life. I want to show you how much control YOU have over the quality of your marriage, how much marriage reveals intimacies of life and of God that very little comes close to, and not to be afraid of the collisions that happen as husband and wife – for these collisions can spur you onto greater things together than if they never happened.

More news…

With all that, what would a “season” be without more news. In my case, more breast cancer news.

First off, I don’t talk much about my cancer for a few reasons…1) I’m cancer-ed out. Mike died of brain cancer and to walk through a similar journey is not something I’m up for. 2) I’m trying to keep life as normal as possible for our kids. They all lost a parent to cancer (brain and breast) and I don’t want them to bear any of the burdens Alex and I share on this one. 3) I just want to live. Not simply live as in “not die” but live as in go about my day as if I don’t have anything wrong. I can’t let my fears overtake me or give this part of my journey more power than it already has. I just do my treatment and move on for the day. And 4) I view this cross as a silent suffering. It is something I am called to bear patiently and quietly (for now) and something I see as a means to offer God what is born in secret away from the world.

That being said, I had a recent imaging in both August and September and my results were mixed – spurring me onto a further hiatus from all things writing and also deep into discernment with Alex about what to do next.

I have tumors in both breasts, some smaller than others. After reviewing recent imaging, many of them shrunk in size, however one of my main tumors and area of concern did in fact change for the negative. What this means, I’m unsure yet (waiting on more testing and a second and maybe third opinion), however surgery is being discussed.

As I mentioned, I’m currently not doing anything conventional. No surgery, chemo, radiation. Our decisions were made from past experiences with cancer and also mostly because I don’t want to. I’m not here to debate treatment options, because I know we all do the best we can with what we have. I also know Alex and I are taking things very conservatively as to keep quality of life and potential outcomes the best they can be – for myself, Alex, and especially our children.

However, like I said, I do have one practitioner recommending surgery (again, what type I’m unsure yet), and I’m on a holding pattern until I know more. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but until then I’m stepping up treatment time and doing everything I can with the tools I do have.

Prayers for wisdom and peace would be greatly appreciated.

Speaking of prayers, I should be careful what I pray for!

I should probably wrap up this “brief” recap, but first I’ll add a couple more things.

Back in August I started praying for detachment and obedience. I needed help from God with an area of my life and this prayer was my response. I always forget that He answers in ways that actually make me practice the virtues I want and because my flesh is weak, it usually is quite hard to do.

And detaching He is. That refiner’s fire burning away all the earthly stuff. If you pay close enough attention, everything He allows is for that purpose and aim: to set our hearts only on Him. True Love by means of the Cross. I don’t like it but that’s the way it is.

Detachment came in some positive forms: wanting to step back from social media and the vanity it was stirring in me. Wanting to live a hidden life. (I have been praying and sacrificing for everyone following along here and the Gram during my time away.) Needing to focus on my health, kids, marriage, crazy busy life, discernment, treatment. It also came in painful ways: detachment from hopes and dreams, from pain from my past, in accepting God’s Will in how things have played out in my life, in letting go of the future, even detachment from Alex (someone I hold so tight to in many ways), as I am reminded that God is the only One to ultimately cling to.

Obedience came with sticking to spiritual and practical resolutions I’ve made, visiting confession often when I fail, listening to the movements of God and my husband in my life, tending to my daily duties and not much else, and even finally and almost hopefully completely rooting out the masculine nature buried deep in me – which includes a need to control how things unfold. With the latter, I have had to work hard to reorder thoughts, emotions, and ways I’m doing life in order to be a follower of Jesus and a follower of my husband. Surrender also came when we had to move our France trip again (we were supposed to be in Lourdes last week…). It was at the request of Alex due to some obligations that came up, and I submitted (willingly and yet with disappointment). With disappointment because there is so much hope wrapped up in the encounter I (we) will have with God at Lourdes…and willingly because I knew I could convince Alex to still go and yet I chose not to.

Detachment requires letting go of the hope of anything other than God Himself and the unfolding of His Will. And it’s hard and painful and yet I know this is how it should be.

Peace and beauty found in the rubble of the weight of His Will.

Where I’m at now, and where we’re going from here.

Dang, there is still so much I want to unpack for you! I just need a podcast lol. But emerging from the refinement, detachment, obedience, desolation, cancer surprises, and just plain life, I am here to tell you that it is all worth it. (not in the moment, though. It’s never worth it in the moment…) But, in fact, the hard work, the purifications, the unexpected things that happen – it is all worth it. Trust me, I wanted to throw in the towel in everything, but I stuck it out (still sticking it out) and am emerging on the other side a whole new person…again. And this will happen again and again until I die, and I want you to know one thing. If you get one thing from this whole letter/update, I want it to be this:

The narrow way is meant to make you a Saint, to give you every desire of your heart, It will be hard, you’ll want to give up often. Unexpected things happen, but these are meant to make you better. Stay the course…with God’s grace not only will you make it, but you can find immense happiness and joy along the way.

And my friend, this is what I am excited to keep unpacking, the general theme of my life: embracing God’s will and yet trying to make life the absolute best it can be.

Dancing along the narrow way.

Love, Kristine