I have breast cancer and lost Mike to brain cancer. Here's a brief though on how this disease has impacted our family.
From something that was never on my radar to a disease that has changed every area of my life.
Not long before Mike was diagnosed with brain cancer, I literally said out loud to myself, "we've gone through just about everything a family could go through...except cancer." And in that moment, because of trials already endured, I believed we never would experience it.
And then his diagnosis came. And so did all the surgeries, radiation, chemo pills, ER visits, medications, oncology appointments, and more. (All during Covid).
And cancer became the defining marker of life before and after. And cancer took him. In less than a year after he was diagnosed.
Alex and his late wife also faced this beast in the form of breast cancer, except her battle was much longer. And yet their journey mirrored our own with similar steps and prescriptions. And her life was also claimed.
Cancer took our spouses. Cancer brought us together as a new family. Cancer has popped up once again in my own journey with very early-stage breast cancer. And I have so much to say about cancer and so very little to say at the same time.
I could talk to you for hours about the industry itself, about how people say cancer happens, about just about every treatment option under the sun (from conventional to totally weird), about ICU beds, about insurance companies and caregiving, how to tell your kids and walk them through it, how to follow your gut in making decisions, how to tune out the naysayers, and much more. In fact, Alex and I have chatted about all of the above quite often. Especially with what we walked, especially with my own diagnosis.
And yet I don't give cancer a passing glance sometimes. Maybe I'm so over it, maybe I view it as a vehicle of the suffering and refinement God intends to bring upon all of us - so we can be like Him. It's a horrible way to go about it, and yet I see why He allows it to happen. It really is a blessed way to prepare for death.
So, with world cancer day I should probably say something profound given all we've experienced. And maybe I will say it someday. In the meantime, I hold it all close to my heart and ponder with resignation that which is the mighty, and yet painful, will of God.
And to you, if you are dealing with cancer right now, maybe a new diagnosis or late-stage battle, I want you to be assured of my prayers. Know that I hold you and your family close to my heart. I pray for your wisdom in decision making, for peace and comfort in all that unfolds, for red tape to be cut so you can get the treatment you need.
Someday I will write a lot about cancer. I will write about our experience in depth, how I believe someone should go about the various steps and processes in it all (obviously with grace as all our journeys are different), and I will share the ins and outs of the practical and spiritual sides and how they intersect. Maybe I should start writing it now, it’d probably be good for my heart.
Until then, don’t hesitate to drop me a message if you need direction, prayers or encouragement. There is hope, even in disease, for Jesus has conquered death and if we die with Him, we will rise as well.
Now I will leave you with two different Bible passages that line up with our walk with cancer. The first is from Romans 8:28. Mike was buried on August 28th - the feast day of his favorite Saint - St. Augustine. I remember looking up this verse and knowing the goodness of God…
“And we know that to them that love God, all things work together unto good, to such as, according to his purpose, are called to be saints.”
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And the Gospel reading from February 1st, the date Amy passed into eternal life.
John 12:24-27
“Amen, amen I say to you, unless the grain of wheat falling into the ground die, Itself remaineth alone. But if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit. He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world, keepeth it unto life eternal.
If any man minister to me, let him follow me; and where I am, there also shall my minister be. If any man minister to me, him will my Father honour. Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? Father, save me from this hour. But for this cause I came unto this hour.”
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In Christ and with much love, Kristine.
Blessings be upon you! I cannot imagine what you are feeling and experiencing now. I thought Dancing with Death not once and not twice, but thrice was bad enough, but for you and your husband to have both lost spouses to cancer, makes my journey seem very inconsequential.
Except mine wasn’t, especially the breast cancer journey. It should have killed me back in 2003. And again in 2008, when all my Triple Negative survivor sisters-in-cancer were turning up with metastatic disease. But I didn’t. I didn’t in 2010, nor in 2013, ten years out, and by then I started not keeping up. By 2015 I was diagnosed with early esophageal cancer. A treatment of radio frequencies, in essence, burned the cancer and healthy esophageal tissue grew back. But unbeknownst to me, the precancerous condition, Barrett’s esophagus came back. It’s yet to convert to cancer, and it is ever so slowly healing, millimeter by millimeter. Lastly, an early skin cancer just ready to pounce and spread was found almost accidentally.
I’ve come to the conclusion God’s not done with me yet, and here I am at 71 still working for the Lord, currently working on three assignments handed down by the Holy Spirit and grandchildren to pray into the church. The scripture that I held onto for dear life when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 48, and wondered if I’d see my son graduate from college, was from Exodus. And I did; he’s a physician, too, and will be 44 on his next birthday - God is good!
“I am the Lord who heals you.”
I saw it in Exodus, but you will find something similar in several places. I held onto it so tight, letters squeezed out of my grasp. I share it with you from one sister-in-cancer to another. And years from now as you celebrate life’s milestones after milestones, I’ll share what the Holy Spirit taught me. It’s good, too, but not know you and your Dance with Death, now is not the time.
Peace🕊️
PS - I truly meant that cancer can be a blessing. My breast cancer, though the treatment nearly killed me - how do you fight a cancer that doesn’t need hormones to grow? How do you starve it? - it has turned out to be a huge blessing for me. It sounds perhaps weirdly wrong, but with you and your husbands’ experience, you might understand.
Please write more abt your cancer! You have sooooooo much wisdom and perspective that could help so many.