Weekly Snapshot

Finding myself after a shopping freeze, why I freeze when Alex gets sick, how to become radiantly beautiful without spending a dime, and the kids' favorite halibut chowder.

I can’t tell you how much I love these Weekly Snapshots. Real life happens in real life and that is where the gold is found! I’m excited to be back writing them.

And now, without further ado…

Finding myself once again just 3 days into Lent

Back in high school, I worked at Nordstrom. I was a dance choreographer and instructor, too. I worked a lot and knew the value of my time in exchange for money. Working at Nordstrom, you’d think I’d be into shopping and fashion. The latter I appreciated, but I just couldn’t drop my hard earned 8 hours of work on a top and a pair of jeans. Given that I was frugal, I thrift shopped a lot and would be careful about my clothing purchases - making sure it fit my style, my lifestyle, and my budget.

Fast forward a lot of number of years and my ability to purchase more things increased. Combine that with a season of insecurity, health issues, and losing who I was, I tried to find my identity in clothes. Maybe I was boho? Or classic? Or eclectic? Or minimalist? Maybe I liked bright colors or only black and white? Thrifting or designers?

I got lost in a sea of choices. I lost myself in a sea of choices.

Shopping then became an escape from pain. It became a way I celebrated. Scrolling, purchasing, unboxing. Then returning or purging, because deep down I hate having more stuff than what I need. It overwhelms me.

This Lent, my theme is “nothing more than necessary.” After reflecting on the roots of why I shop, I realize it’s the one thing I can control. It is a short term high in a life of long term loss. It’s my way of saying to God or the world, I want it NOW. I can’t wait, because if I wait, it’ll be taken away. So much has already been taken away. It was my way of protesting.

It was also my last attachment to fully trusting Our Lord. He would say, “don’t worry, I will clothe you like the lilies of the field with your daily bread,” and I would say “or you will take more from me.”

But now, THIS LENT, I have said “no more.” No more to clinging, no more to short term pleasure. No more to escaping the pain. No more searching for who I am.

And in this freeze of acquiring, I am already, just three days in, rediscovering myself. My roots, who I was, and who I want to be.

Simple. Understated. Able to love and comfort at any moment. Able to respond to God’s Will at any moment. Able to possess only that which is necessary. Able to let go if it’s asked of me. Acquiring things got in the way of all of that. Trusting I will be provided for, being happy and content with just enough, is what is allowing those virtues and characteristics to come back.

It’s always difficult to share personal things for fear of judgement. However, if I can encourage you to look not just at the bad habit itself but rather what’s underneath, you’ll be able to see why you do the things you do. That’s what I did. And I saw a girl who thought she trusted God, but she really didn’t. I saw a girl who struggled with her identity. She wants to trust God and will again, she will remember who she was, but she needs to get rid of the things in the way.

And when we trust God fully with our lives, when we do and possess what is necessary, we will find ourselves, not in the externals, but in HIM. And then we will radiate that identity to the rest of the world.

When Alex gets sick, I freeze.

This past week Alex was really sick.

And this past week, I didn’t take care of him.

In fact, I shut down. Became controlling. Angry. Selfish.

I would apologize to him every morning and by nighttime, I’d be a mess again.

I met with my therapist (she’s more than that, she works with me on my PTSD and other things) Friday morning and she explained I was having a trauma response to Alex’s sickness.

I told her, I know.

When Alex first came down with something this week, I was flooded with sensations of fear, loss, pain, and anger. My brain didn’t realize it at the time, but my body was back to caregiving. To those months of caring for a very sick husband. It was the most beautiful time of my life, and yet left an imprint I never fully processed until now.

You see, well before Mike was sick, I had visions of his funeral. With the same dress I wore to his viewing. I had premonitions that something was coming in our life, just months before he was diagnosed. I felt something coming in the world, just before Covid came. It’s why we sold our house and downsized. I was hunkering down for the storms to come. And come they did.

This past week I was envisioning myself as a widow again. I was going down the rabbit hole of thoughts and things to expect. I couldn’t help it. Fear and panic turned to controlling my husband, not taking care of him. He pulled away (rightly so) and my fear of loss increased all the more.

But when I let it out with my therapist, when she walked me through our exercise for acknowledging and addressing the root pain, when she gave me tools for making it through the day to get on the other side towards healing, I finally came back to reality.

It’s literally like I woke up.

And I ran to Alex and apologized over and over and I’ve been making him tea, giving him meds, I put him in the sauna blanket, and I’m enjoying taking care of him. Finally.

The lesson is this: the body stores what the body goes through. It’s a physiological fact. I have mentally processed just about everything I’ve lost and experienced, but the physical side effects keep popping up. As a result, we need to give the body rest and grace if we’ve been through anything difficult or traumatic. Sure, we can’t always rest, but it is my personal experience that the body will stop you in your tracks if you don’t take care of it. Disease, fatigue, relationship issues…it all comes out. So be gentle with yourself while also striving to overcome anything in the way of love.

In my sauna blanket, he’ll probably kill me for posting this…

How to become incredibly beautiful without spending a dime

I didn’t realize this one piggy-backed off my first section, but I read Fr. Dave Nix’s article about Our Lady, Mirror of Justice and was struck by something he said.

The post is well worth reading (as all of his pieces are), and it has to do with the angels and their fall and how their fall had to do with God’s beauty. They wanted that beauty for themselves, and because God wouldn’t give it to them, they rebelled.

However, in the same exorcism (where the former was revealed), they also revealed that Mary was the most beautiful creature ever to exist, not simply because of who she was, but because she radiated God more than anyone on this earth. And she radiated God because of her virtues of self-sacrifice and self-denial.

I heard this truth once before, that when a person becomes closer to God, they actually become more physically beautiful. I can attest to this in my own life. After a series of choices that left me far from a state of grace (not realizing it at the time), my physical nature changed. And when I started to live a life of striving for holiness through self-sacrifice, my physical nature changed again, this time for the better. I’m not claiming to be close to God, just making anecdotal observations.

Fr. Nix says it beautifully,

“There are a few very important things we can learn from this account. First, we become more like Jesus and Mary if we live as St. Ignatius of Loyola counseled his men, “to give and not count the cost” in constantly loving God and neighbor in a sacrificial, not superficial manner. (The Latin for “to give and not count the cost” is literally Dare Nec Computare.) Sacrifice is not something frenetic that makes us tired, but makes us beautiful like Jesus Christ and His Immaculate mother.

Also, we see that Mary didn’t have to insist on being her own person with a relevant or funny personality like so many modernists foist upon her in talks and movies. I am sure she acted totally human and was very approachable and even lovable, but what was beautiful about the Immaculate Conception was that she was the most perfect prism of God’s eternal light on earth precisely because of her humility and purity. What does a prism do? It makes white light visible on earth in a myriad of rainbows of beauty. Such was the Immaculate Virgin Mary.

In a time when people think purity and humility are boring virtues, we can see that avoiding a big personality or a life of pleasure makes us beautiful. It’s not just because self-denial makes us beautiful (though there are more and more scientific studies revealing this at the natural level every year) but because denying our will makes God shine through us, even if a dim reflection of she who was the spotless reflection of the Son who lives forever in unapproachable light.”

Yes. I want that. I want to be that! What an inspiration to live a life of sacrifice!

The best halibut chowder…

OK, switching gears, I made this last week and while half the kids hate fish and the other half hate soup, they all loved this halibut chowder. It will be a regular Friday staple, for sure. Also, I didn’t follow exact recipe, I quadrupled probably everything and didn’t measure. It still turned out amazing.

• 1 pound Halibut

• 1 onion, finely diced

• 3 ribs celery, finely diced

• 2 carrots, finely diced

• 2.5 teaspoons kosher salt

• 2 cloves garlic, minced

• 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour (I used GF all purpose)

• 6 cups vegetable stock

• 4 medium red potatoes, diced

• 3 sprigs thyme

• ¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

• 1 cup heavy cream

• ½ bunch of parsley, finely chopped

1. Remove the halibut portions from the packaging, set them on a paper towel-lined plate, pat dry, and set aside. Sprinkle with salt and pepper.

2. Then cook in oven at 350 degrees until done.

3. Sauté onions, carrots, celery and stir occasionally over medium heat for about 5 minutes or until the vegetables begin to soften but don’t yet have any color.

4. Add the garlic and continue to cook for another minute. Add the flour and stir to combine so all of the vegetables are evenly coated. Cook for another 1-2 minutes.

5. Stir in the stock, potatoes, thyme, and black pepper, and simmer for 15-20 minutes or until the potatoes are tender when pressed on the side of the pan.

6. Add the cream and cooked halibut and reduce to low heat. Continue to simmer for another 5 minutes or until heated through.

7. Taste, adjust for seasoning and serve immediately.

Blurry picture doesn’t do it justice!

In case you missed it…

Last one, make sure you’re fully subscribed so you don’t miss our Lenten book study on “Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence.” I’ll be covering Chapter 1 here on Wednesday. For full details, click here and scroll to the bottom.

Have a blessed First Sunday of Lent!

Love, Kristine Nicole