Where the gold is found...

How acceptance and desire meet on the narrow way to form a life of immense holiness and happiness.

Lately I am flooded with thoughts and realizations about life.

Those thoughts come through the means of my family because this is the means God chose to make me who I am, to ultimately make me holy. It is the means by which I learn and grow, by which I discover who God is and who I should be to and for Him.

And so often, through the day-to-day of being a wife and mom - both in the past and in the present - I have discovered truths about God and this life He created me to live.

Your vocation, your state in life, is also meant to do the same for you.

And if there is one recurrent theme throughout everything I experience, everything I think of, it would be this: that to be a saint is to accept God’s will in your life for the love and glory of Him, all the while to be human is to want life to be as beautiful and amazing as it can, no matter what happens.

And it is in the marriage of the two - acceptance and natural discontent - that the gold is found.

Acceptance because this is our command from God: to be like children. To accept what happens in our life - everything that happens good/bad/hard/confusing - because He wills it. Because His providence governs everything. Because it’s just how it is.

And natural discontent because secretly (or not so secretly) God doesn’t ever want us to be satisfied. He wants to keep us wanting more. Not more materially, but more because He is more. He is infinite. And we live in a finite world and yet long for that which never ends. And we experience that in the here and now - through desires and longing for growth in all facets of life - to prepare us for the never ending to come (should we persevere in grace).

Let me unpack this for you a bit...

Where acceptance becomes embracing and embracing becomes going to the next level…

There has been much I have had to accept in my own life. Past health issues with Lyme, not being able to have more kids because of a misdiagnosis and careless doctor, losing the business my late husband and I built together, losing a baby in adoption, losing a spouse, losing dreams, losing stability, losing more than I care to share sometimes, breast cancer, grief, and it goes on. All things I’ve had to accept at some point - often through tears and gritted teeth. Often through anger, confusion, and resentment at this thing called Divine Providence.  And that same Providence whispers through the Ark of the Catholic Church, the Saints that have gone before, and through the Cross itself that this is just how it is. And sometimes I think, “My God, My God why has thou forsaken me??”

And that same Ark and those Saints carry me to Jesus and He says “I am the Way,” and “follow Me,” and so I follow Him on the Cross because to whom shall I go??

But deep down, past the acceptance and surrender, lies a spark of desire.

Desire that says, “sure, life was and is how it is. But despite and because of it, I can still make life the absolute best it can be.”

Joy. Love. Peace. Goodness. Happiness. Beauty. Fun. Excitement….the sky’s the limit. Because God has no limit.

Without seeming simplistic, here are some examples of how this marriage of acceptance and desire has played out in my own life. The acceptance came (and still comes) with a barrage of feelings, emotions, thoughts, and graces and is still something I struggle with often.

For example…

I accept that Mike got cancer and was sick and died and that 50 years turned into only 14. But even though I embrace the will of God, I will also embrace all the good life still has to offer and I’ll make the best of brokenness and immense loss.

I accept that I have wounds and trauma that impact my current marriage. But despite that, I’ll be the best wife I can be now and have the best marriage I can have now, no matter what work on myself I have to do to get there.

I accept that I have cancer, but I will try to be healthy, get healthy, stay healthy no matter the time and effort it takes…and if that doesn’t work then I’ll go where that wind blows, too.

I accept that I lost time with our kids due to grief, due to my own shortcomings and failures, due to knowing some of them only two years ago, but I will still try to be the best mom I can be, infusing into the here and now all those things I wish I’d done, I wish I’d gotten to experience.

I accept that I can’t have any more babies and that I experienced loss through an adoption that couldn’t come to be, but I will still believe in miracles and know that God restores everything.

I accept that horrendous rumors were spread about me during Mike’s illness and subsequent passing. Despite the damage this caused, I will use all circumstances like this to not only practice humility and forgiveness but also let God use it as an offering for souls.

I accept that the business Mike and I built is gone and I accept that Alex and I have run into numerous dead ends with what we are trying to rebuild together with his company, but we will figure it out no matter how hard we have to work, change course, or sacrifice.

I accept that I live in a state I hate, with weather I hate but I’ll be happy with the fact I have a roof over my head and I’ll still dream of sunny shores and be excited that God has an amazing plan whether those sunny shores are realized here on earth or later in eternity.

I accept that I have failures and remorse over sin in my life but instead of letting that pull me into despair I will repent over and over and try to change whatever I can until my days are done.

I accept that my sufferings aren’t done yet. That the chastisements are coming, and more loss could very well be on the horizon. But I will live in hope that God parts the Red Seas and will give all the graces necessary for those times, too.

I accept that a lot of bad things out of my control happened and will happen but I will offer those same things to God so he can use them to bring about holiness, blessings, and salvation to those I know and love (and anyone else who needs it, too).

This is where the power lies.

And, like I told Alex, this is where the power lies. It lies in the marriage of acceptance and discontentment. It lies in bowing to God’s will in humility while knowing that the human spirit He placed inside of me wants everything the heart desires. Yes, those desire are ultimately found in God alone, in the Beatific Vision, but God uses the here and now to teach us what that means.

And, so, my friend, this is my mission. To keep unpacking this for you. To show you that you have to accept God’s will for your life. But also, to show you that He wants to give you peace, joy, happiness, and wholeness, too. Practically, in the everyday.

It’ll take a lot of work. It’ll take facing things that make most people run away and medicate themselves with whatever the world has to offer. But if you’re willing to do the work, to choose the hard of being hot or cold and not lukewarm (which is a whole other hard in and of itself), you’ll get to experience life on a whole other level. You’ll get to see God behind everything while also being infused with an excitement that the growth is never ending. You’ll get to experience marriage, faith, parenthood, health, holiness, all of it, on a whole other level.

What this is and what it isn’t.

This isn’t some prosperity Gospel crap. This is a mirroring of Our Lady when she says, “My soul doth magnify the Lord.  And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour.  Because he hath regarded the humility of his handmaid; for behold from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed.”

Brought low, To the heights.

So, join me as we keep walking this narrow way. Join me in accepting all the ugliness of what’s happened to you and me, in accepting more suffering to come. It was and is willed/allowed by God for our salvation. The end all and be all. But also join me in not being content with letting it get you down. Join me as we take the role of victor not victim. Victor in your marriage, in your vocation, in your job, in your home, in your relationship with God.

There’s more to all of this we can unpack, too. Lots of spiritual and practical truths to digest and live out.

Even though I’m not all the way there yet, I’ll show you how I do it, how I’ve done it through circumstances you’ve probably found yourself in as well. In real life. In the nitty gritty.

Because I want you to find this gold in your life, too. To experience the narrow way not as a journey of defeat, but one of immense victory - both now and in the life to come.

Love, Kristine

In Case you Missed It:

Resilience in Action: The art of showing up when life gets hard

An Essential Truth for Life: The maxim and motto I’ve adopted to make sure I’m where I want to be.

At the crossroads of life: Those pivotal moments that become the anchors and stepping stones to hope and happiness.